The notification read, “Stef left the Grant’s place…3.24am”. Even as I write the words I’m feeling somewhat overwhelmed, sad even, and yet so grateful! Conflicted by my own contradiction I feel I’m stuck in one of those pregnant pauses, waiting!

Why am I always waiting and what am I waiting for? Waiting for the washing machine to finish! Waiting for the postman to come! Waiting for school to finish! Waiting for Stef to be home!

Waiting! Always waiting!

I remember waiting to fall pregnant! Five long years filled with the despair of infertility, the hope of a miracle and the celebration of other lives born from those I loved. When she arrived she was like a little piece of heaven! The feeling was exhilarating, like an explosion of all my hopes and dreams wrapped up in a miraculous bundle of perfection!

I’m not sure I truly lived through the days I waited! Today I find myself reflecting upon that feeling! Chrissy and Samuel complained that they were tired this morning before school. So I did what all good mums do, I opened my calendar and counted how many weeks left of school. We celebrated momentarily in relief…woohoo…only six and a half weeks until summer holidays.

And there it is! Again! I wait!

I long to escape my subservience to time. To be liberated from an existence that overwhelms me whilst I wait! It’s like a wicked game, a habit defined by trauma and I keep inadvertently taking the next move. During those dark days waiting for our miracle, a friend reminded me that hope deferred makes the heart sick!

Today my heart isn’t sick! My heart is filled with gratitude. My mind plays crazy tricks on me from time to time, luring me back into the memories of those dark days. But the dark days are gone and today my heart is filled with gratitude. I think I’ll just linger here a while…

and wait…