We love having the Dadda home for holidays! So imagine how I felt when I found myself conflicted the day he went back to work this year.

You know that happy-sad feeling?

Sad he’d gone back to work because having him around each day was super fun! But weirdly relieved because he makes the house kinda crazy, he blows out the routine, winds up the kids, the animals and the visitors. Then sadness again because he doesn’t enjoy his work anymore, the hours are relentless and his aching body gets him so down. Then happy again because he drove me bat-shit crazy laying around on the lounge and monopolizing the TV remote. Then sadness AGAIN because it was so nice to snuggle in the morning instead of the usual 3am kiss as he leaves for work trying not to wake the dragon.

I felt empty when he went back to work this year. Like somehow I had failed terribly. Honestly, I spent most of his holiday break trying so desperately to get him off the lounge, to go fishing, to do SOMETHING, that I forgot to be present with him in his space. So angry and frustrated and worried that he was just letting the opportunity to spend time with the kids pass him by, that I missed reaching into his heart and being his safe place.

Today I went back and revisited my Instagram post from the day he went back to work.

Today I choose to create a peaceful home. I choose to move slowly through life and to treat my body with kindness. I choose to be mindful of the chaos I create because of my own expectations. His rheumatoid arthritis has taken its toll on our family, on his mind and on everything he loves! So today I choose him, my best friend! I choose to love him relentlessly and to pray for him often! I choose us, I choose peace, I choose hope, I choose joy, I choose life!

Reading back over those words I’ve realised that the issue wasn’t with him, it was with me!! I created the chaos! He was completely exhausted physically, emotionally and mentally and I whinged and whined and complained about him for three whole weeks! But, it was actually my crazy-stupid expectations that created the chaos.

Somehow in that moment on January 7 I found the clarity to write those words. I knew I needed to choose change, but I don’t recall thinking I needed to change! Funny that!